Chapter: The Assault on Shared Reality
From Disagreement to Domination
In a healthy relationship, disagreements are about interpretation. In a harmful one, they are about power. A harmful person does not deny reality because they remember things differently; they deny reality because it is the most effective way to control their target.
The consistent denial of facts, feelings, and shared experiences is not a communication failure. It is a strategic assault on a person’s sanity, designed to dismantle their confidence, create dependency, and establish a hierarchy of control. This chapter dissects the primary tactics used in this assault.
The Five Tactics of Reality Denial
Tactic 1: The “It Never Happened” Retcon
This is the foundational tactic of gaslighting. By flatly denying something you both know happened, the aggressor forces you into a state of cognitive dissonance. Their goal is to shatter your trust in your own memory. Over time, the victim begins to believe they are unreliable, forgetful, or “crazy,” making them more dependent on the abuser’s version of events.
Tactic 2: The Emotional Invalidation
If a fact is undeniable, the harmful person will attack your emotional response to it. By labeling your feelings as “overreactions,” “hysterical,” or “too sensitive,” they disqualify your experience. The message is clear: your feelings are not a valid response to their behavior; your feelings are the problem. This allows them to avoid accountability and reframe their cruelty as your instability.
Tactic 3: The Moving Goalposts
To maintain control, a harmful person must ensure you can never succeed. They do this by constantly changing the rules of the game. The definition of “on time,” “clean enough,” or “respectful” is always shifting, leaving you perpetually in the wrong. This is a powerful tool for creating anxiety and ensuring you are always striving for an approval that will never be granted.
Tactic 4: The Circular Argument (The “Crazy-Maker”)
The purpose of a circular argument is not to communicate, but to punish. When a target attempts to resolve a conflict, the harmful person will initiate a dizzying, nonsensical argument that derails the conversation with unrelated accusations, semantic nitpicking, and logical fallacies. The goal is to exhaust the target into silence. It is a form of conditioning that teaches the victim: “If you try to hold me accountable, I will make you suffer.”
Tactic 5: The “Walking on Eggshells” Effect
This is not a tactic, but the desired outcome of the other four. After being subjected to constant reality denial, the victim learns to anticipate the punishment. They begin to meticulously police their own words, actions, and even thoughts to avoid triggering an attack. The abuser no longer has to actively control them; the victim now controls themselves, living in a state of hyper-vigilant anxiety. This is the ultimate goal of the assault on reality: to create a self-policing subject.